We are never angry because of what others say or do. The cause of our anger lies in our thinking"
Marshall Rosenberg, Center for Non Violent Communication
This is a brief summary of a talk on Anger Management by Maria Marta Suarez, which I attended last Friday in the Congress for Coordinators and Directors of Studies. The ideas are based on the spiritual philosophy of Kabbalah and the principles of Non Violent Communication.
When working with people, it is important to be equipped with tools which encourage this type of communication in ourselves and in others. To put it in a nutshell, Anger Management strategies can be learnt and they can turn conflict into positive learning situations and can help us relate to others in a much more positive way. This will certainly have a positive impact on ourselves and on those who surround us.
According to Kabbalah, the negative actions we produce generate negativity. The Karma Ghost cartoon exemplifies this belief:
Karma Ghost by Billy Blob
Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature's way of empowering us to "ward off" our perception of an attack or threat to our well being. The problem is not anger, the problem is the mismanagement of anger. Mismanaged anger and rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal and professional relationships.
Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is mismanaged.
WHAT WE ALL WANT: OUR BASIC NEEDS
CONNECTION
acceptance, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion,
intimacy, love, respect/self-respect, safety, stability, support,to know and be known
to see and be seen, to understand and be understood, trust, warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air, food, movement/exercise, rest/sleep, sexual expression,safety, shelter,touch, water
HONESTY
authenticity, integrity
PLAY
joy, humor
PEACE
beauty, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration,order
MEANING
awareness, challenge,clarity, competence,consciousness, creativity, discovery, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, understanding
AUTONOMY
choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity
Where does anger come from?
When one or more of our basic needs are unsatisfied, this leads to strong negative feelings, which we unconsciously avoid, because "it is the others` fault".
Example of strong negative feelings:
___ Anxious ___ Worthless ___ Hostile ___ Depressed
___ Mean/evil ___ Revengeful ___ Bitchy ___ Bitter
___ Rebellious ___ Paranoid ___ Victimized ___ Numb
___ Sarcastic ___ Resentful ___ Frustrated ___ Destructive
We feel angry and we react (we connect to our reactivity), blaming the others for the way we feel. We accuse others, we curse others and swear. We become JUDGEMENTAL because of our REACTIVITY caused by anger. This reactivity and being judgemental cause the others to become angry as well or simply defensive and unwilling to set their minds into a problem solving mood.
What can be done when life presents challenges?
When we feel angry, we can turn this negative reactive energy into positive proactive conflict resolution activity by communicating in a non-violent way to others.
1. Notice the challenge
2. Acknowledge: Expand your circle of influence. Recognize the real enemy (YOUR REACTIVITY)
3. (Dis)Connect: Disconnect your reactivity (avoid being judgemental of others) and connect your light (Ask for the light to come in - Kabbalah)
4. Face the situation, acting pro-actively.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
